Fab piece Katie, thank you for sharing those experiences and feelings, I am honoured to have inspired it in a small way. I think being honest about the dark side of motherhood is so important and I feel that anyone who doesn’t tell these stories probably still experiences it in some way. I relate so much to the overwhelm, the suffocation, the want to take it all back sometimes and the rage: and for me it is rage because I’m not sure I am in control. I don’t think that makes me a bad mother, I am only human.
This is so important for others to hear. How destablizing it can feel, having to rely and communicate in such bodily ways with another very vulnerable being, our child, before language can intervene--because we are taught so much to rely only on language to communicate and deny the way our bodies communicate with ourselves, others, the world. I also suspect that the destablizing would not feel so much so if we weren't essentially confined to our homes as young mothers with infant children in the nuclear family norm--the systems ensure no one can hear our rage and feelings of helplessness in those times, does not allow any time to not be hyper vigilant, that our children's lives rely on that hyper vigilance to grow and thrive. Which is why I particularly love these lines: "I think mothers are forged in part so they can harness the mama bear-like tenacity and fearlessness. We are undone in our children’s infancy so that we are built back strong enough to protect them, teeth bared, against the world while they grow. To model for them what it means to struggle and thrive, to fight against injustice, to protect and support those we love at all costs." That fearlessness, to step in front of threats, to not back down, is very much a part of what is forged in those early months. ❤️🔥
So well said! Thanks for reading. It took me years before I realized the silver lining of that destabilization was a fearlessness or laser focused courage and motivation.
Holy fuck. This piece. THIS HONESTY. I still wish you didn’t feel you had to add that there are positive parts ie: love and joy alongside the rage and suffocation and wanting to shove. That should be a universal given that shouldn’t have to be made explicit. I hate that society has us constantly worried about being perceived as ‘bad mothers’ for feeling irritated by our children. We aren’t bad partners if we feel irritated by the other person we live with - WE ARE HUMAN. But bitching about how annoying our partners are is acceptable. Patriarchal, capitalist, societal standards (!) Anyway, what I really wanted to say was thank you. Thank you for voicing this. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for commenting! I agree that we shouldn't have to qualify what we're feeling to be seen as "good" mothers, partners, humans. But sometimes I actually practice acknowledging the good parts to myself, privately in gratitude lists and memory notebooks or alongside the negative like here, so that I remember it. I find it can be easy to be so overcome by the negative feelings that I don't see the good as easily. It's a practice to not become lost in the challenges of life (related to parenthood or anything else).
I hear you. It’s important to not only focus on the negative and be consumed with resentment and powerlessness. I try to do the same. I read a substack note bleary eyed at 1am last night that said ‘Are you writing from the wound or the scar?’ And that’s powerful. I have so much documented on my phone from when I was in the thick of it, only now that my second is 18 months do I realise what an anxious and dysregulated state I was in for most of that first year with my first born! I feel like I’m calm enough internally to start articulating in a more balanced way, my Matrescence. That hot messy writing definitely needs to cool down before it can be handled and turned into art, I think 🤔
Yes. My youngest is 4 and I still sometimes pull back when drafting and say, is that what I want to put out into the world? Is that the public record? I want to be honest but I also want to respect the privacy of my family and not use substack as a therapist.
Thank you for writing this. I definitely feel the mama dragon in me and the ice cold parts. It is so hard,
I’m glad things shifted as your children got older. Being needed so much in this early phase asks so much of us. Thank you sharing your truth. It is so important to have this conversations and say these things out in the open, because you are not alone.
Thank you Emma! That’s why I first began my art series a few years ago; before that I didn’t see anyone talking about this. Of course once I started looking I found several other caregivers to connect to.
Fab piece Katie, thank you for sharing those experiences and feelings, I am honoured to have inspired it in a small way. I think being honest about the dark side of motherhood is so important and I feel that anyone who doesn’t tell these stories probably still experiences it in some way. I relate so much to the overwhelm, the suffocation, the want to take it all back sometimes and the rage: and for me it is rage because I’m not sure I am in control. I don’t think that makes me a bad mother, I am only human.
Thank you for your comment about rage. I think I’m still processing that… the idea of being both out of control and still a good mother/human.
This is so important for others to hear. How destablizing it can feel, having to rely and communicate in such bodily ways with another very vulnerable being, our child, before language can intervene--because we are taught so much to rely only on language to communicate and deny the way our bodies communicate with ourselves, others, the world. I also suspect that the destablizing would not feel so much so if we weren't essentially confined to our homes as young mothers with infant children in the nuclear family norm--the systems ensure no one can hear our rage and feelings of helplessness in those times, does not allow any time to not be hyper vigilant, that our children's lives rely on that hyper vigilance to grow and thrive. Which is why I particularly love these lines: "I think mothers are forged in part so they can harness the mama bear-like tenacity and fearlessness. We are undone in our children’s infancy so that we are built back strong enough to protect them, teeth bared, against the world while they grow. To model for them what it means to struggle and thrive, to fight against injustice, to protect and support those we love at all costs." That fearlessness, to step in front of threats, to not back down, is very much a part of what is forged in those early months. ❤️🔥
So well said! Thanks for reading. It took me years before I realized the silver lining of that destabilization was a fearlessness or laser focused courage and motivation.
Holy fuck. This piece. THIS HONESTY. I still wish you didn’t feel you had to add that there are positive parts ie: love and joy alongside the rage and suffocation and wanting to shove. That should be a universal given that shouldn’t have to be made explicit. I hate that society has us constantly worried about being perceived as ‘bad mothers’ for feeling irritated by our children. We aren’t bad partners if we feel irritated by the other person we live with - WE ARE HUMAN. But bitching about how annoying our partners are is acceptable. Patriarchal, capitalist, societal standards (!) Anyway, what I really wanted to say was thank you. Thank you for voicing this. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for commenting! I agree that we shouldn't have to qualify what we're feeling to be seen as "good" mothers, partners, humans. But sometimes I actually practice acknowledging the good parts to myself, privately in gratitude lists and memory notebooks or alongside the negative like here, so that I remember it. I find it can be easy to be so overcome by the negative feelings that I don't see the good as easily. It's a practice to not become lost in the challenges of life (related to parenthood or anything else).
I hear you. It’s important to not only focus on the negative and be consumed with resentment and powerlessness. I try to do the same. I read a substack note bleary eyed at 1am last night that said ‘Are you writing from the wound or the scar?’ And that’s powerful. I have so much documented on my phone from when I was in the thick of it, only now that my second is 18 months do I realise what an anxious and dysregulated state I was in for most of that first year with my first born! I feel like I’m calm enough internally to start articulating in a more balanced way, my Matrescence. That hot messy writing definitely needs to cool down before it can be handled and turned into art, I think 🤔
Yes. My youngest is 4 and I still sometimes pull back when drafting and say, is that what I want to put out into the world? Is that the public record? I want to be honest but I also want to respect the privacy of my family and not use substack as a therapist.
Thank you for writing this. I definitely feel the mama dragon in me and the ice cold parts. It is so hard,
I’m glad things shifted as your children got older. Being needed so much in this early phase asks so much of us. Thank you sharing your truth. It is so important to have this conversations and say these things out in the open, because you are not alone.
Thank you Emma! That’s why I first began my art series a few years ago; before that I didn’t see anyone talking about this. Of course once I started looking I found several other caregivers to connect to.
Yeah, once you start looking, you find people are talking about it. I always say more though, more conversation and more perspectives!