A Note From The Other Side of Depression
I wrote a letter to someone suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts. I want to share it with you too.
Late last year, I learned a teenager in my neighborhood was depressed and suicidal. Their anxiety stemmed around perfectionism and feeling unable to stack up against expectations. I couldn’t get them out of my mind, so I wrote them a letter. It’s short and not comprehensive, but I know that reading something long would be overwhelming, so I stuck to sharing my experience.
It isn’t always easy to find role models for recovering from depression or suicidal ideation. People don’t want to talk about it and it can bring trauma back up. I wanted to give them at least one experience of recovery to hold on to. When I heard that my letter had given them hope I thought perhaps I would share it here as well, just in case anyone needs it.
Dear Friend,
We don’t know each other well, but I want to share some of my experiences with you.
When I was in my 20s, I was depressed. I called it the dark place or my black hole. Sometimes it felt really hard to do normal things, like eat or sleep. Often it felt like I had no way out, or I couldn’t see a way out clearly. I will admit to lying in bed at night sometimes, wishing I would disappear, molecule by molecule. I never hurt myself and I knew I would not, even though I was terrified of my thoughts and feelings.
You see, my brother tragically ended his life when I was 18. He was almost 30. His family and friends were devastated. I lived through all of that. I saw all of that. The only silver lining of his death was that I knew I could not put my mother through that pain again. So even when my black hole tried to say that no one cared if I was around, part of me knew that was a lie, because I saw how many people cared when my brother died. Probably more than he realized.
I don’t share his death to upset you. It’s part of my life and probably a big part of why I fell into depression. The thing I really want to share with you is–I got out of that black hole. I really did.
I don’t have a magical solution. I am not even sure how it happened. But I’ve had time to think about it and here is what I think helped me keep my head above water—
I kept trying. Even when I didn’t want to. Even when I was scared to the point of tears. Even when I didn’t think I could. Now I see that my trying was keeping myself alive. I am, was, resilient, even when I didn’t see or feel it for myself.
Here is some of what I did:
-I wrote all of the dark feelings down, got it out of my head and onto paper, over and over and over.
-I exercised regularly. It worked as a distracted and keeping my body strong helped me feel stronger, at least for a little while. It is really hard to focus on dark thoughts when you’re struggling to keep up in a spin class.
-I joined a public speaking club to help me improve and accept my stutter. Even though I had zero confidence and was terrified. (Spoiler: I ended up loving the people in this club and they helped me so much even though I never told them just how much I was hurting.)
-I took a painting class because I always wanted to, but was too afraid I would be bad at it. My hands would shake during the class, multiple times I fought back tears. I was so anxious. But I kept showing up. I even made one or two paintings I was proud of.
-I sat on the floor every night and repeated “I love myself” over and over with a timer. I hated this, but over time it became easier to hear those words and to accept that they could be true.
I’m not a doctor or an expert. What works for me won’t be exactly what works for you, but my advice is to keep trying everyday. Grab at whatever activity you need to stay afloat. Try the thing you always wanted, but were too scared to do. Because that is real bravery. Staying alive through the fear and struggle is brave. Not giving up is the most courageous thing you could do.
And you, my Friend, have more strength and resilience than you realize. You really do. (Read that as many times as you need to.)
Lean on the people who love you (and they do). Asking for help is not weakness or shameful, it is strength. I wish I had asked for mental health support sooner.
The world doesn’t need perfect people. The world needs people who have braved their dark days and come out of it with the strength to keep going and the compassion to pass it on.
I don’t know where life will lead you, my Friend, but I know there are great things ahead. Just keep going and one day you’ll find your way to the other side of this dark period. You’ll be able to see the beauty and wonder in life again.
I firmly believe that.
You are not alone.
All images published in Stutter Over Silence are original artwork created by the author, Katie Gresham, unless otherwise noted.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s important 🤍